Firstly, let me apologise for the big gap between this post and my last. I have been dealing with some personal issues and so this has prevented me from posting. I am back now though and will continue with my posts.
The months that Pete had been gone seemed to drag and fly by all at the same time. I know that is a complete contradiction but let me explain. There were times when I was so busy trying to manage everything that the time just seemed to pass by in a blur. Aside from work and juggling all of our personal business, I felt like there weren’t enough hours in the day. Then at other times, it felt like Pete had been gone for years, not months. Although I had my routine and was extremely busy, I felt so alone. Pete wasn’t there to turn to if I needed anything and so I felt like I was single again. Obviously not in the relationship aspect, but in the emotional one, it was a very strange and unsettling feeling.
In the run up to Pete coming home I found I had a mix of emotions going on. The weirdest one was feeling angry at Pete. Every time I spoke to him and he told me that he was bored or he was just following the same old routine, I found that I got more and more angry at him. I know how that sounds but in my head, all I could think was ‘here I am struggling to get everything done and keep everything going smoothly for the wedding and you’re telling me you’re bored!!’ I was aware of how stupid that was and that it wasn’t Pete’s fault but I couldn’t help feeling that way. It’s ok for the person going away….they just focus on what they are going to do. It’s the person left behind that has to pick up all the loose ends and keep everything going and I think people tend to forget that. Every time I spoke to our families or friends, people asked how Pete was but no one asked how I was or how I was coping. That just made me more angry. The other overriding feeling and emotion was nerves and anxiety. I love Pete with all my heart but we had been apart from each other for months and he hadn’t featured in my routine for that whole time. It was strange thinking about him coming home and fitting back in to my life again. I didnt know what to expect. You hear so many stories about people going away on deployment and coming back different because of their experiences and I couldn’t stop the nervous feeling that things would have changed. It was very uncomfortable.
In the week before Pete came home I was so anxious, but also so excited, that I actually made myself ill. I couldn’t eat or sleep properly. I kept trying to picture what it would be like. Even through my nerves I had this excited image in my head that when he got home, he would run to me, pull me into his arms and swing me around…..like something from a movie. The reality was very different. I met him at the curb as his car pulled up and we kind of looked at each other for a moment and then followed it up with a very stiff hug……awkward!!! It turns out that he had been worried about the same thing as I had which led to a very weird reunion ha ha ha. Needless to say, through all of it, I was so glad to have him home again.